


Superheroes and Social Media (there's probably a punchline in there somewhere)

by fullmetalheart



Category: Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, Social Media, no substance in here whatsoever, that's pretty much it that's the whole thing, this is 2k words of bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetalheart/pseuds/fullmetalheart
Summary: jess@urmomjokezz 1hi cant believe it took spiderman five years to get a twitter2K Retweets  10.2K LikesSpider-Man@TheRealSpidey 53m@urmomjokezzI can’t believe someone other than Deadpool still makes your mom jokes.13.4K Retweets  99K Likesjess@urmomjokezz 22m@TheRealSpideydid i just get dragged by spiderman himself?52 Retweets  5.9K Likes
Comments: 15
Kudos: 323





	Superheroes and Social Media (there's probably a punchline in there somewhere)

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in no particular canon. I am just doing whatever I please. Actual Marvel writers do that anyway, so I don't feel bad.
> 
> I have spent twenty minutes fighting with the formatting so I apologize if it's a mess.
> 
> The usernames are either completely random or based off of my friends. I didn't check to see if they're real. They might be. In the unlikely event that I somehow managed to use your Twitter handle and you don't want it in this, let me know and I will change it.
> 
> God I can't believe the first thing I am posting in 2020 is Marvel. I seriously thought I was past this. I was a fool.
> 
> EDIT: So the formatting is completely messed up on mobile. It is 12 AM. I am too lazy to currently try and change it. I apologize for every mistake I have ever made.
> 
> EDIT 2: nvm i sat down and fixed it while crying i spent too much time on the formatting to completely change it but here we are hahahah

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 2h_

Hello twitter :)

_15.1K Retweets 105K Likes_

**jess** _@urmomjokezz 1h_

i cant believe it took spiderman five years to get a twitter

_2K Retweets 10.2K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 53m_

 _@urmomjokezz_ I can’t believe someone other than Deadpool still makes your mom jokes.

_13.4K Retweets 99K Likes_

**jess** _@urmomjokezz 22m_

 _@TheRealSpidey_ did i just get dragged by spiderman himself?

_52 Retweets 5.9K Likes_

**Deadpool *heart emoji*** _@chimichanga5000 10m_

 _@urmomjokezz @TheRealSpidey_ yep!! welcome to the club ;)

_5K Retweets 20.2K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 8s_

 _@chimichanga5000_ I don’t want to be on twitter anymore now that I know you’re here.

_15 Retweets 47 Likes_

* * *

Peter shoved his phone in a hidden pocket on the leg of his suit. He patted it down, making sure it was secure. He had made that mistake once – he did not want it to happen again.

The sun was beginning to set, casting the skyline of New York City into silhouette. For a moment, his fingers itched for his camera. The thought was enough to make him nostalgic. He had long since quit his job at the Bugle. His old camera was gathering dust somewhere in the back of his closet.

He sat perched on the tip of the _A_ on the Avengers Tower. His feet dangled above the sidewalk below, where the people who were dots from his height would gape and point at the tower. He wondered, briefly, if they could see him casually sitting on the Avengers’ base. Probably not. Disappointing.

Now that he was thinking about it, he was somewhat surprised that Iron Man hadn’t shown up to shoo him away.

As if on cue, the sound of the Iron Man suit’s repulsors cut through the distant noise of city traffic. Tony Stark flew into his line of sight. Peter gave him a wave. He did not get a wave back.

“Hey, Spidey,” said Stark. “Mind telling me why you’re just hanging out on my tower?”

Peter pointed at the silhouette behind him. “It has a good view.”

Stark was not impressed by this. “Get down before you fall off and I have to deal with the paperwork.”

Peter would not fall off. He knew this. Stark knew this.

He grinned behind his mask. “Did you come out here just to flirt with me, Tony? I gotta say that I have no interest in older men-”

“I will hit you with a repulsor blast. Right now.”

Peter laughed. “Oh yeah. I forgot you and Cap are in love.”

Stark spluttered. “We are not-”

Spider-Man leapt off the tower before he could finish, and the rest of his reply was lost to the wind.

* * *

**Tony Stark** _@IAmIronMan 3h_

Can somebody please tell _@TheRealSpidey_ to stop sitting on top of the Avengers Tower?

_371K Retweets 921.1K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 2h_

_@IAmIronMan_ you do that just fine by yourself

_50.2K Retweets 221.6K Likes_

**Tony Stark** _@IAmIronMan 2h_

_@TheRealSpidey_ Why don’t you listen to anything I tell you?

_71.7K Retweets 351K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 1h_

_@IAmIronMan_ Bold of you to assume that I listen to anyone.

_115K Retweets 612.2K Likes_

**watch fmab now** _@fullmetalheart 10m_

_@TheRealSpidey @IAmIronMan_ why do you two sound like father and son?

_25 Retweets 102 Likes_

**Tony Stark** _@IAmIronMan 7m_

_@fullmetalheart_ Never say anything so atrocious again.

_5K Retweets 22K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 5s_

_@IamIronMan_ aw dad you’re going to hurt my feelings :(

_10 Retweets 45 Likes_

* * *

Spider-Man shot a web at the last mugger. It nailed him in the face. He let out a muffled shout and toppled over.

There was a thud behind him as Daredevil dropped from the fire escape down to the alley.

“You’re a bit far from Queens,” he said, voice gruff.

Peter liked Daredevil. The guy fought like a ninja – it was awesome.

He was also kind of terrifying.

Peter refused to be cowed.

“Queens was quiet. I figured Hell’s Kitchen could use a little Spidey help tonight.” He jabbed a thumb at the webbed-up muggers. “Looks like I was right.”

“I could’ve taken care of it,” said Daredevil.

Yeah, Peter liked Daredevil. He was always at peak angst levels. His teenage self could relate.

“I’m sure,” said Peter amiably. “Hey, can I get your autograph?”

Daredevil stared at him. Silent. Terrifying.

“Is that a no?”

Daredevil turned around and parkoured his way back up the fire escape, not even gratifying Peter with a response.

* * *

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 1h_

Tonight on patrol I tried asking Daredevil for an autograph.

_123K Retweets 591.2K Likes_

**Johnny Storm** _@HumanTorch 1h_

_@TheRealSpidey_ Oh yeah? How did that go? I can never get the guy to talk to me.

_112K Retweets 501.3K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 52m_

_@HumanTorch_ emphasis on TRIED, Johnny.

_104.2K Retweets 498.7K Likes_

* * *

Peter, in his grand total of five years being Spider-Man, had enough experience to know that patrols were always the hardest in Hell’s Kitchen.

No wonder Daredevil was so angry all the time.

It was also the most likely place that he’d run into Deadpool.

Wade Wilson was… not a force of nature, because even _nature_ was more predictable. Wade Wilson was a force of sheer chaos. Peter’s senses went crazy every time the man was within fifty yards of him.

Wade Wilson killed people.

Wade Wilson had also helped Peter beat up a little girl’s kidnappers and then return her to her parents.

So, despite Deadpool being _Deadpool_ , Peter sort of liked him. As much as you could like a guy who killed people when you were firmly in the _no killing_ set of superheroes.

“Hiya, Webs!” Deadpool called from the rooftop he was standing on. “Whatcha doing?”

Peter, in the alleyway, made a vague gesture to the man he had pinned to the concrete.

“Oh you know, just beating up predators. A usual Tuesday night,” Peter called back up to him.

Deadpool laughed. The guy Peter had pinned began to squirm. Peter leaned more of his weight on him, and the guy stopped with a choked noise.

Deadpool jumped from the roof to the alley. There was a horrible _crack_ as one of his ankle bones snapped.

“Owie!” Deadpool yelped with a little giggle.

The man beneath Peter whimpered.

“What’s up?” Peter asked. He tried not to wince as Deadpool straightened and hobbled towards him on a busted ankle.

“Double D got a lead on Fisk,” said Deadpool cheerfully. “I’m gonna go with him to beat some bitches up. Wanna come with? It’s been a while since we all hung out.”

“Hung out?” Peter asked.

“Yep!” said Deadpool cheerfully. “Deadpool, Daredevil, and Spider-Man – the three musketeers! We haven’t teamed up in _ages_!”

“You disappeared for six months.”

Deadpool waved a hand. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Come beat the shit out of people with me!”

Peter considered this. “No killing.”

Deadpool whined. “You and Red are no fun.”

“Wade.”

“Fine! No killing. C’mon!”

* * *

**New York’s Heroes** _@NYCSuperHeroes 2h_

Deadpool, Spider-Man, and Daredevil, appropriately dubbed “Team Red” by the media, were spotted tonight uncovering illegal drug trafficking. There were no casualties. Read more at _[link]._

_342.2K Retweets 725K Likes_

**Max** _@maxbutlers 1h_

_@TheRealSpidey_ Great work tonight, Spider-Man! I’m a huge fan. Proud to have you protecting our city!

_52 Retweets 156 Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 46m_

_@maxbutlers_ Thanks, Max! That means a lot :)

_5.2K Retweets 375K Likes_

**Max** _@maxbutlers 45m_

_@TheRealSpidey_ OHMYGODNSOBD YOU REPLIED GUYS SPIDERMAN REPLUED TO ME

_1.2K Retweets 10.5K Likes_

**gigi** _@toxicapologist 32m_

_@maxbutlers_ i want spidey to reply to me :(

_62 Retweets 237 Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 25m_

_@toxicapologist_ hi Gigi :)

_1.3K Retweets 196.2K Likes_

**gigi** _@toxicapologist 10m_

_@TheRealSpidey_ OHHH MY GOSHDUASKNW

_502 Retweets 1.5K Likes_

* * *

“So then this lady goes-”

“Johnny,” said Peter, cutting him off, “is there even a point to this story?”

Johnny Storm blinked his ridiculously blue eyes at him. “Um...?”

Peter sighed and slumped forward onto the table.

They were sitting in Peter’s favorite café in Queens. Johnny had called, insisting they meet up for coffee because they hadn’t had the chance to chat in a while. Peter had obliged, because he was a good friend, and now he was regretting the decision severely.

“I’m in _college_ , Johnny. I have a bio test tomorrow. My livelihood depends on my performance.”

“You mean you want to prioritize your livelihood over me?” said Johnny, mock scandalized. “Do you know how many people would kill to have coffee with me, Peter?”

Peter threw a rumpled napkin at his face. Johnny squawked in indignation.

* * *

**Johnny Storm** _@HumanTorch 4h_

_@TheRealSpidey_ still won’t go on a real date with me :(

_482K Retweets 852.3K Likes_

**Deadpool *heart emoji*** _@chimichangas5000 4h_

_@HumanTorch_ hey me too! twinsies!

_332.2K Retweets 742K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 4h_

 _@HumanTorch @chimichangas5000_ please never interact again

_421K Retweets 801.2K Likes_

**SpideyTorchFan31 on AO3** _@SpideyTorchFan31 1h_

New Spider-Man/Human Torch fic on their most recent Twitter interaction uploaded!

_2 Retweets 147 Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 32m_

_@SpideyTorchFan31_ god you people work fast

_2.2K Retweets 55.1K Likes_

**Johnny Storm** _@HumanTorch 31m_

_@SpideyTorchFan31_ what’s the link?

_3.3K Retweets 56.2K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 10s_

_@HumanTorch_ JOHNNY PLEASE

_15 Retweets 47 Likes_

* * *

Peter found the Punisher and Daredevil. They were brawling. Blood was flying. Literally.

“Should we stop them?” Peter asked.

Jessica Jones stood on his right. She was tiny, but he knew that she could pick him up with one hand and throw him across the street if she really wanted to.

She looked as exhausted as she usually did. At this point, Peter figured that the bruises under her eyes were permanently stained into her skin.

Daredevil screamed. The Punisher screamed back.

Jessica picked at her nails, entirely uninterested. “They’ll stop eventually.”

On Peter’s left, Luke Cage sighed. “Probably.”

* * *

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 1h_

Tonight on patrol I hung out with @JJones and @LukeCage. We watched Daredevil and the Punisher beat each other up. I wish I was kidding.

_252K Retweets 572.9K Likes_

**Saarah** _@midoryugh 1h_

_@TheRealSpidey_ I’m sorry you guys WHAT?

_105 Retweets 402 Likes_

**Deadpool *heart emoji*** _@chimichanga5000 32m_

_@TheRealSpidey_ HEY I WANNA SEE THAT

_12K Retweets 50.1K Likes_

**Jessica Jones** _@JJones 10m_

_@chimichanga5000_ Just hang out in Hell’s Kitchen for a week or so. They’re always fighting.

_567 Retweets 3.5K Likes_

* * *

“Spider-Man,” said Steve Rogers, voice entirely level, “why do you always have the weirdest supervillains?”

Peter looked at him. He was dressed in running shorts and a gray t-shirt. His blond hair stuck to his forehead with sweat. The poor man was off duty.

To the side, Sam Wilson was sprawled on the concrete, gasping for breath. He was absolutely _drenched_ in sweat. He showed no concern for the fact that Doc Ock was raging across the street.

Peter took a moment to consider how miserable it would be to go running with Captain America with no powers.

He took pity on the man and decided not to judge him.

Peter shrugged at Rogers.

“I have notoriously bad luck. I kinda have to kick his ass now. Wanna help?”

Captain America sighed.

* * *

**Steve Rogers** _@CaptainAmerica 4h_

Today I helped _@TheRealSpidey_ take down Otto Octavius. My question for him still stands. Why do you end up with the weirdest supervillains?

_702.2K Retweets 1M Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 4h_

_@CaptainAmerica_ Not all of us have the privilege of fighting aliens. Some of us must settle for the nutjobs of New York.

_312.2K Retweets 729.8K Likes_

**sashi** _@auriusknight 3h_

_@CaptainAmerica_ and _@TheRealSpidey_?? DREAM TEAM!!

_303 Retweets 1.2K Likes_

* * *

“Dude,” said Peter, squinting at Hawkeye. The old Hawkeye – not the new one. “What the hell are you doing in Hell’s Kitchen?”

Clint Barton squinted back. “I can’t see your face. Kinda hard to tell what you’re saying.”

Oh. Right. Peter took a brief moment to feel like an asshole. Then he rolled his mask up so Barton could read his lips.

“Sorry, man. I asked what you’re doing in Hell’s Kitchen.”

“What are _you_ doing in Hell’s Kitchen? Isn’t Queens your territory?”

Peter huffed. “All of New York deserves a little Spider-Man.”

Barton snorted. “Narcissistic. I like it. I’m here to assist.”

“With Fisk?”

“Yup.”

“Huh. Well, that’s great actually. I’m ready to see this asshole go down.” Peter paused. “Hey, what’s the sign for asshole?”

Barton grinned.

* * *

**Clint Barton** _@TheOGHawkeye 2h_

Had a great time tonight teaching _@TheRealSpidey_ profanity in ASL. Wake up New York. Your hero is not as family friendly as he pretends to be.

_301.9K Retweets 723K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 1h_

_@TheOGHawkeye_ STOP RUINING MY BRAND

_221K Retweets 519.9K Likes_

* * *

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 2h_

I’m probably going to regret this but… Q&A time! You ask me a question, and I’ll answer!

_402.1K Retweets 823.9K Likes_

**Jane** _@janerain_ 2h_

_@TheRealSpidey_ Are you and Johnny Storm dating?

_19.3K Retweets 73.1K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 2h_

 _@janerain__ Why is this the first thing everyone asks? No, as much as Johnny wishes we were, we are not dating.

_102.3K Retweets 310.2K Likes_

**lee** _@violetwdg 2h_

 _@TheRealSpidey_ are you a student?

_831 Retweets 2.5K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 2h_

 _@violetwdg_ Hi Lee! All I can tell you is that I’m in college. The rest is a secret. Shhhh.

_132K Retweets 420.6K Likes_

**Faisal** _@_fossil_ 1h_

 _@TheRealSpidey_ does your body produce the webs???

_1.2K Retweets 3.9K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 1h_

 _@_fossil__ Hey Faisal! The answer is no! My webs are chemically engineered!

_153.9K Retweets 572.1K Likes_

**jojo** _@jellyvbean 51m_

_@TheRealSpidey_ ARE YOU AND DEADPOOL DATING OKAY IM SORRY IT WAS A DARE

_2.1K Retweets 4.7K Likes_

**Deadpool *heart emoji*** _@chimichanga5000 32m_

 _@jellybean_ we are lovers <3

_46K Retweets 157.3K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 31m_

 _@jellyvbean_ WE ARE NOT

_33K Retweets 102.1K Likes_

**Spider-Man** _@TheRealSpidey 30m_

_@chimichanga5000_ get out of my Q&A thread.

_30K Retweets 95.2K Likes_

**Author's Note:**

> I might do more with this. Who knows? Comments and Kudos are always appreciated :)
> 
> Oh, and if you're doing the thing that I do where I go and stalk fanfiction authors that wrote one (1) good thing to see if they wrote any more good things, do me a huge favor and don't read anything I wrote in 2018. Just don't do it. It's so bad.


End file.
